Ok so now that I’ve lost 90% of the people who first saw that I posted something new I’ll tell you why we should all want to be in the Friend Zone! In today’s age of technology and information that’s readily available, it seems as though we can all use a lesson in Friendships, remember when you would talk to someone for hours on the phone, or you’d sit and actually have a face to face conversation? Now it’s a Text “hey what’s up?” I’ve been fighting this Smart Phone craze, while it’s easy to send a quick “hey just wanted you to know I was thinking about you” or “check out this cool thing I know you’ll love” We’ve become too complacent with our friendships. A few weeks ago I decided to open up a bit more and talk about my sexuality Coming into my Masculinity Full Circle, and as the weeks go by of this abstinence journey, some things are becoming clearer. As I focus on not letting my libido control my actions, as I learn to not react to every arousal I feel, it’s changing the way I see the world. In a conversation with a friend last week, we talked about not reacting every-time you feel an attraction to someone, sure there may be some chemistry, but what else do you know about them? As I reflected and listened to my friends words, it seems there’s two options when you feel attracted to someone. It’s either you let the opportunity go, or once you interact with them the only other option is a Romantic Relationship, or acting on the sexual chemistry you feel from them. For me I think there’s many more options, I’m sure we’ve all either heard or used “I’m not ready to be in a Relationship”, what about getting to know the other person first, why are we jumping the gun?
Sexual Chemistry isn’t the only criteria for a Relationship!
If we’re coming from the perspective where we’re controlled by our libido, we allow sex to play a bigger role than it should. As I spoke about in my last post, I’m learning how to feel sexual energy and not react to it. No one goes around having sex with every person they feel attracted to, yet if we feel attracted to someone, we neglect getting to know them if we can’t or don’t want to have sex with them. That is the main point I hope sticks with you. As we go through life, we will meet many people, and they’ll all bring out various parts of our personality. While we may be physically attracted to them, that doesn’t mean that we should be in a relationship with them, what about just being their friend, what about getting to know them first? Now you’re probably thinking, sure I already know what you’re saying, this isn’t anything new. I challenge you to examine your thoughts the next time you meet someone you’re attracted to, I bet you’re not thinking that it’s ok to get to know them, and not have to act on your attraction to them. We all know this in concept, but I feel that it’s in our thoughts that we’re missing this subtle difference. My Pastor Steve gave a great explanation of a few things that we should all have in a Romantic Relationship. He also believes that there’s an order to them too:
- Friendship – The kind where you know every detail about the other person, their likes, dislikes, want, desires …(As Steve put it, you’re fused together)
- Gardening – Then the lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper who is just right for him.” – Genesis 2:18. (NLT). Imagine if you will that men and women were created for each other, to compliment the other and be a helper. There is also a clear distinction here that they are going in the same direction, for a garden to grow everyone involved has to be doing the same thing. You can’t have one person pulling up the soil after another has just planted a seed.
- Sexuality – Sex was meant to be a very pleasurable experience, if not our bodies won’t react to it the way we do. Not to be graphic or anything, but imagine how different it is when you know what every little sound that your partner makes, and you know what excites and makes them more aroused. That’s why friendship is important, you foster a relationship where communication is key, you tell and share your most deepest secrets. After all it is called Intimacy (into me see).
With this kind of a road-map can you begin to see why the order of these things are important, can you begin to see how sex shouldn’t come first?
Does “The One” really exist?
Men and Women are different, there have been many books and Speeches given about this subject. Yet despite our differences, together we can create a Family, together we make life. While I don’t claim to understand Women or even Men for that matter, we’re all carrying around this image of who or what we expect our spouse to be. When we’re single we have a long laundry list of qualities that we’re looking for, and they’re all non-negotiable. At some point we end up with a person sitting across from us that might not either measure up to our list, or even if they have many qualities they don’t have them all. This is quite a leap, but I’m wondering if “The One” is more of a fictional character that no one person will ever embody? If you’re in the situation where the person you’re with isn’t all that you desire, you may end up putting too much pressure on them to be something they’re not. How come we don’t embrace the qualities they do possess, and recognize that someone else may be the person for the other things you’re lacking. Now I want to be clear here though, within the chastity of Marriage, if your partner is lacking sexually, you’re not to go find it somewhere else. If we are to follow the Road-map from earlier, we should be able to foster a better relationship through genuine friendship, and by communicating I think it’s still possible to achieve what you’re looking for sexually. For clarity, lets say perhaps your spouse isn’t driving you to achieve your career goals, perhaps a mentor can fill that void. By understanding that we can have genuine relationships with people that are not sexual, but still fosters growth, and helps you accomplish your goals, I think we can ease our spouses from some of those burdens. Imagine if you will it’s not “The One- who encompasses all that you’re looking for” but rather “One person who has …” another “one person who has …” and yet another “one person who has…”
Above all boundaries are important in relationships. Relationships are supposed to be mutually beneficial, allowing both people to get what they desire out of it. I caution you here though, if you have a friendship where you’re taking, be warned that it may not last very long. Even if you can remain friends, you will leave your friend feeling drained, and who likes being with someone they feel is a leach. In most romantic relationships the problem arises when we haven’t fostered a true friendship, as I’m sure many people know sex usually becomes infrequent at some point, what do you do then! Life isn’t easy, you have to WORK at everything you do, a friendship and a Marriage both require work to make them work. Complacency is the enemy of Growth, it doesn’t matter the type of relationship, we should be continually growing together. If you find yourself using the words “Oh you know me, you know what I want” you’re probably in danger, the other person may be asking a question because they don’t know the answer. Unfortunately relationships don’t grow by osmosis, time together doesn’t constitute actually knowing each other; we have to actually communicate for that to work.
May your week be filled with joy, peace and love, and let’s all make an effort to be more intentional in our Relationships. Also I hope that you recognize that it’s ok to be physically attracted to someone but not have to act on it. Who knows how fostering a friendship with that person may positively influence our lives.