It was a brisk Fall Evening, when we first met. As most romances start, these days anyway, we met online. We were drawn to each other because we were tired, tired of fake profiles, tired of people not being who they said they were. Why do people always fluff up their profiles so much. There was something about you that immediately attracted me when you responded. I remember that feeling of electricity, that spark that seemed to bring my world alive. Our conversations were fun, I can’t seem to remember what we talked about, but it didn’t take long to suggest to meet in person. I was surprised that you said YES so easily.
As I got ready to head out the door, I was in a rush, but it was a rush of excitement, will you be as charming as you were in your messages. Then it hit’s me, will you look like your pictures (I know it’s vain of me, but looks matter to me)? Thankfully I got there without getting into any accidents, I was soo eager to meet you. Your City was familiar to me, but I had never explored it, I remember checking and double checking the directions. Then my worst fear hit, I went into the place I thought was where we’re meeting, and it looked nothing like you had described. Fearing that I had it all wrong, I rushed back out in a panic, but as I rounded the corner, there you were.
Although it was a cool Autumn day and it was a bit cloudy, it seemed sunny to me, or at least inside my heart. Your smile was bright and infectious, and even from a distance I can already feel your friendly carefree personality. You seemed just as I had pictured you, by now we’re only inches apart, we hug, and I knew it, there was something about you!! The date went exceptionally well, and I don’t use that term very often. While your personality was fun and energetic, I was able to be myself. I didn’t feel I had to change the way I talked around you, sometimes being from a different country will get me into trouble, I talk kinda funny when I’m nervous.
Whatever it was, I didn’t feel that way with you. As things go, the evening had to come to an end, but we didn’t want it to end, we were caught up in the moment, the excitement, electricity and chemistry had the best of us. Against our better judgement, we kissed on the first date, and then there was more. Our relationship started off fast, like a race-car driver going with his foot to the pedal all the way.
I was cheated on in my last relationship, so I didn’t want to rush into anything new, my plan was to be cautious. With you though caution was a word you saw around steep curves, it didn’t apply to us. I always enjoyed spending time with you, there was a comforting nature about you, you cared and you showed it. Whether it was something simple as cooking a meal for each other, or our walks along the beach. I lived my life by lists, and schedules, I’m not sure you even owned a watch. Time with you seemed to be about that moment, even the times we never got around to doing what we planned on Sundays. We could always just relax and enjoy the quiet time. I like that about you, that you could relax and just BREATHE. Then it happened, you whispered those 3 words. I’ll admit now that I was taken aback, I’m sure I heard you, but I asked anyway “what did you say?” Maybe I was afraid to commit, maybe I’m still afraid to say that. You always made fun of me because when you asked me I always said the same thing, “We’re getting to know each other, and I’d like to keep doing that, “We’ll see how things go!”” Was it too good to be true, why did you seem so comfortable with my answer, in retrospect I know that you weren’t completely honest with me.
I’ve always approached things cautiously optimistic, some would probably say I’m just scared, but it’s ok. Fast forward a few months, and like all relationships, things start to level out, and I start to ask myself “Is this the person I want to build a life with?” The simple answer was no, do I continue on, do I become one of those people that are in a relationship, but they’re unhappy? For me the answer to all of those questions were no.
In retrospect, maybe we should have talked about it first. In retrospect I know I was selfish, I was only thinking about myself. Once I told you I wanted to end our relationship, just like our start, once I said those words there was no turning back. I spent a year blaming and not forgiving myself for hurting you. Now I’ve been working on me. I’ve heard that the best thing to do is to work on myself first. It’s been 2 years now, where did the time go? While I did hurt, I’ve had so much growth this year. Unfortunately my growth came at the expense of your hurt. For that I am sorry, hurting another person goes against my core. Now I know what I want, hopefully I’ll make a better decision next time, I’ve learnt to ask more questions in the beginning.