Ahh! If only I can do it all over again!


I think one of my best qualities is that I can be a bit of a Romantic, sorry but I don’t mean in the ‘give flowers’ or  ‘writing love ballads’ or even ‘saying sweet nothings into your ear’ kinda way. Well it’s not that I don’t like doing those things. I’m talking about the thing many of us do, we look to the future or back at the past, and we see things through those wonderful rose colored glasses. Where you said the right words, and got exactly the outcome you were looking for. You saw that cute girl/guy, came up with a witty comment, and now you have a date set for a few days. Of course reality looks a lot different, the witty thing got you blank stares, and worse yet, you don’t have a date set for next week. I’m talking about that kind of romanticizing. While it could be as a result of Movies, or Society, or my upbringing, or a whole range of things. I think it’s just another part of my personality, and it can me used for good or bad. Growing up back in Georgetown, and not the Brownstones of Washington DC, but in Guyana (please refrain from thinking I’m talking about Guinea in the continent of Africa). It was common for me to pass the day at the window at the front of our house looking out at the world beyond. This lead to not only my love of Airplanes, but my ability to look to the future, and imagine it in all it’s glory and potential. My imagination was my virtual playground, sometimes I wonder if I should have been an artist, but then again I was never good at using colors anyway. Today my life doesn’t look anything as I had imagined, I barely recognize myself. Sometimes I wonder if I’m watching a movie, and think that I’m going to wake up at any moment.

Would I really had done it differently!

I’m sure that this isn’t an isolated problem in my wild imagination, but something that most people recognize in themselves. I find myself thinking those famous words, “if only I had a chance to do it all again!” I found myself thinking about where I am today, and as if on que, I asked “what would I had done differently?” But that’s the joke isn’t it, that’s the fallacy we often find ourselves believing don’t we? The truth is that at the time, whether it turned out to be a good or a bad decision; I made the decision that was best at that time. Meaning that with all the information I had in front of me at the time, I made a calculated decision, and I went with it. So to say that if I could go back in time I would do it any differently, well that’s just a lie I’m telling myself. Even if I was to wake up tomorrow and be 10 years younger, would I know then what I knew today?

It’s idiotic to think that I some how decided to make a bad decision in the past, which led me here. When in reality I made a decision at the time based on all the facts. Now that I’m in the future, I can look back and see the product of my decision.

Am I doomed to repeat past mistakes!

My active imagination also works overtime, I find that I compare myself to other’s all the time. Sometimes it’s not even an active thought, but something that seems to have a mind of it’s own. I’ve mentioned in many posts that I’m not where I’d like to be. Meaning that @ 34 yrs old/young, I didn’t imagine I’d still be un-married, no children, no career to speak of. Then again I always did things at a different pace. With each day I’m growing and learning, while I do look back, experience is showing me that I’m making the best decisions I can. Looking back now I can say that I felt strong emotions about not taking the step I took. So I can say with certainty that I made the right decision, the truth is today I’m older and wiser. Given the same choices today, I know that I would do things differently, but that’s today. No use romanticizing about the past or the future, in the future I’ll know more than I did today, so those decisions will be different too. I can say that my life today is different than it was 1 year ago. I’m learning to forgive myself for past mistakes. While they serve as a reminder, and a testament to by growth, my past is just that. I’m thankful that I have the gumption to learn from my mistakes, and that I can stop myself from romanticizing too much about the past, to learn to be grateful for these moments I have.

Asking WHY isn’t the right question

I was not planning on including this section, but after reading a few posts, and reflecting from the Church sermon from this weekend. This section seems to add a few more layers. Thank you SingleStrides for your post that also coincided with what I was writing, and is a good segue to a conclusion. Tragedy, pain, and heartbreak are not isolated to some people, but it’s a shared experience we ALL have. Sometimes things happen and we ask WHY? I think it’s interesting that even though we as humans have a limited understanding, we try to explain away everything to just one finite answer. The problem is that sometimes there are so many treads and outcomes that results in something bad happening. I’ve learnt from my personal experience and those around me, that sometimes when we experience pain, it’s not always a direct result of our actions. What I have come to understand in my moments of reflection is that although I experienced pain, what came out of it made me stronger. In cases where I experienced personal pain or heartbreak, I was able to either connect better to my faith and core values, or I was put on the right path if I was off. Of course I recognize that this simplified explanation is exactly what I was talking about earlier, trying to make simple the complicated. Now what I’m not saying is “EVERYTHING happens for a reason.” Sometimes terrible thing happen and there is no explanation, why did someone have to die, why is there so much violence, hunger, etc in the world. Instead of focusing on the why, I’ve learnt through my experiences that focusing on whether a particular event is an opportunity for growth, is a better focus for my attention. An opportunity to increase in my faith, live closer to my Ethical Compass, or become a better version of myself. In some of those instances my prayers were answered, it’s just that I didn’t like the answer. I’ve also learnt that despite my own desires, I’m Exactly where I need to be. Of course there could have been so many other versions to my story, but today I’m here, and so are you. If you’re reading this and it resonates with you, then we’re both in the right place. It’s not really beneficial for me to question whether I’m where I should be. If I’m too busy asking questions, I’m not living, I’m not experiencing my full potential.

We only have this life to life right now, all we can do is our Best. If you approach each day giving it ALL that you’re capable of that day, no one can hold that against you. I’m fortunate to have the opportunity to share the same space with people who are out there living their lives. To those who don’t take no for an answer and let others define you. To my fellow bloggers, you’re an inspiration to me each day. To my friend S. yes you do inspire me, and I’m writing this because you kept nagging, pushing me to keep writing.

Feelings of Peace and Calm!

Peace and calm


There’s something majestic about watching a calm ocean, it seems to evoke a feeling of peace that rises from deep within your soul. Well that’s kind of how I’m feeling this past week. I’ve talked previously about aligning your heart and mind, I’m starting to do the same in my life, and boy does it feel good. For a few months now I’ve been battling where to go with my career. For the past week I started each day with a simple prayer:

“Speak to me, I’m listening. Show me I’m looking. Lead me I’m willing to follow.”

By listening, and letting myself be led, I felt that the last thing to do was act. I’ve made it a goal to live 2014 with Intention, meaning that every action I take each day, will be for a purpose. I didn’t want to live another year with my life not meaning anything. Life is too beautifully complicated to not live each moment. I felt that I should follow my passion, stop chasing money and things that don’t actually make me happy. My current job gave me access to some of the things I’m passionate about, but it also had a lot more things that didn’t motivate me. Additionally it didn’t give me the kind of time I needed to LIVE a more fulfilling life. I decided to stop wrestling with that, and do what I thought was best, stop doing what I don’t like, and start doing more of what I’m actually passionate about.

Following your dream is indescribable at this point, at no point within the past few days have I been able to find one negative in myHand of God decision. I’ve also felt this great peace and calm from deep within me. I’m not naive in thinking that it’s all sweet dreams and lollipops from here, I know that my journey will be littered with trials and temptations. Just so happens I learnt a few valuable things this week. God has helped me this far, and there’s no reason why he won’t see me to the next step. In life we are granted opportunities, some take us closer to our path, others may not be as ideal a path. We have a choice to live our life, we can choose to do it on our own, or we can trust that our faith will lead us in the right direction. My career goal is to be a Counselor/Life Coach, however that goal is not the root of my happiness is not what makes me happy, it’s discovering who I am along the way that’s the real happiness. I may not actually end up being a Counselor, but in my journey I’ll live a happy purposeful life. By creating space, it creates room for other opportunities to manifest.

In the past week I’ve learnt a few things worth noting:

  • I feel content with my life right now, and I’m willing to go where the journey takes me.
  • Following my passion makes me much more happier, more than money or anything else has up to this point in my life.
  • I feel peace radiating from deep within me, that tells me I’m making the right decision.
  • My faith in God is strong, I know this road WILL not be easy, but that’s another opportunity for me to go deeper into my faith.
  • I’m at a point in my life where I’m ready to trust God, and live a life of Love and Kindness. I’m certain that he is working in my life, and I’m here because it’s where I’m needed.

Even though my journey has just began, I’m committed to taking it one step at a time. I’m listening, looking, and ready to follow. It’s God’s will for my life, not my will that I want God to make happen. Even though this quote may mean different things for others, I think it’s a good way to have a conversation with others about what their Faith means to them.

“When Christ calls a man, He bids him come and die” – Dietrich Bonhoeffer