Dating: An Extroverted Introvert’s Perspective

“You’re to live the life you want, then the idea is that you’ll attract the person best suited for you.”


As the Title says “I’m an Extroverted Introvert” what the heck does that even mean you wonder? If you’re one you’ll get this, but if not, it simply means that I’m an Introvert with many Extroverted qualities. If you’ve had the pleasure of meeting me in person, you’d never know that I’m an introvert. Not that introverts don’t smile and can’t be interesting, but I sometimes come off as friendly and easy to approach. If I had to quantify it, I would say I’m 70% Introvert and 30% Extrovert. Why is any of this important you may ask, aside from a window into who I am, it’s a bit of a conundrum when it comes to dating.

I really wish I didn’t have to have a conversation with you! 

Being more on the introverted side means that I have limited energy for social situations. While I might generally enjoy your company, there comes a point when I’d rather not be around you, and it’s not personal. How do you tell a date that, “hey you’re really interesting, but I’d rather not spend another minute talking about your…” I find this even more interesting because for the past 7 years I’ve worked in various jobs that are people facing, and I aspire to be a Life Coach or Counselor. Oh boy sounds like I have my own issues I need to deal with! While I find people quite interesting, sometimes they’re also too much, sometimes I just want to be by myself. Getting back into dating, I’m finding that sometimes I don’t have the energy to be social. Part of that could be because I’m not where I’d like to be career wise, and I’m in a transition phase. Sometimes I feel that work takes most of my energy, and then I don’t have any left to be social.

I both admire and envy those who seem to be living! 

I’m sure each of you reading this has one of those friends, or perhaps you’re that person yourself. They’re always doing something new, going somewhere, volunteering for something. Even trying to have drinks with them isn’t easy, you always have to ask them to “pencil you in.” If any of my friends are reading this, I hope you’re not offended, and if you are well… If we’re really friends I hope I don’t have to explain that last joke. I find myself ammmazed (not a typo, it’s just that amazing what you do) that they have the energy, because time is limited, and they don’t seem to have time to do everything anyway. When I say I envy them, it’s not in a bad way, I just wished that I had that kind of energy to get into that many social events. Then again I’m more comfortable in solitude, so that lifestyle isn’t for me anyway. I’m also well aware that it comes at a cost, being involved in multiple things all at once, isn’t for everyone, it takes a certain type of personality to pull that off.

Is there hope for an extroverted introvert?

I’m currently at the stage of my life where I’m discovering more about who I am. For the first time I can say with some certainty, that I’m actually looking for a life partner. I’m enjoying learning new things, or re-discovering old traits, but I also know that I have to put myself out there. It’s time to put on my big boy pants, stop being a recluse and get out there. Of course in today’s age, it seems delayed gratification is a thing of the past. With so many self-help books, new dating sites, all promising to help you find “the One.” I feel like sometimes they all set you up for unrealistic expectations. It seems that the idea is that there’s a single strategy that can quickly solve my dating problems. Some people can go out to a coffee shop, or go out to dinner, or go to a show, by themselves. While I’m introverted, going to a public place and being alone, is not my idea of a good time. Marriage for me is a very serious endeavor, it’s not something I’m to go into blindly, or ill-prepared. The analytical  side of me wants to approach dating as if it’s a math problem, to be solved by numbers, statistics, and reasoning. Humans are complicated, and dating is a bit more of a competitive arena. Amy Webb the author of Data: A Love Story (check out her TED talk), wrote a compelling story of how she has used stats to break the code of Online Dating. Lets face it though, I’m not a statistical genius, so that’s out. What now, how do I use what I have to get the results I seek?

I’ve decided to turn the lens on myself, instead of lamenting on other peoples relationships, I’m posing the question to you. Not in the manner of a quick fix, but given what I’ve described about myself, how do I use that? As an extroverted introvert how do I approach dating? Given some of the other topics I’ve written about, I hope you understand how seriously I’m taking my search for my next relationship. Hopefully you understand that I don’t think that a mystical creature out there “the One” exists, who will come along and make the world a much better place. I understand that life is HARD, and sometimes we all face obstacles. With that in mind, if you were in my shoes, how would you proceed?

Taking it one Step at a Time!!

One Step

The past few weeks have been interesting, I’ve decided to move out of the way, and surprisingly many great things have occurred. I’m happy with the choices I’ve made, and for the first time I feel as though I’m definitely on the right path; more importantly my heart and mind are aligned. The journey has just began, I know that there will be times of doubt, but my Faith is strong; I trust that God will see me through. While I’ve been on a hiatus from writing, I’ve been moving forward. I started a class on Relational Care recently. What is relational care? I feel as though I’m called to encourage others, to help those who are in pain navigate this thing we call life. I see myself becoming a Life Coach, not quite sure where this journey will take me, but I’m willing to follow it.

I sometimes refrain from writing much about my personal struggles here, but it’s been amazing hearing from everyone and listening to your stories. Even though I don’t know specifically who reads what I write, it’s good to know that my words could encourage others in those dark times. As I mentioned in my New Years post, I’m going to continue doing things that worked well for me last year. Two of my biggest tenants is living more Authentically, that means telling the truth, and showing people the real ME. Secondly I want to live with Intention, meaning that I will do things with purpose; well the things I can control anyway. I think I’ll add another to that list, I want to LIVE life, meaning that I want to enjoy what I do, I want to be happy. There seem to be two common treads of life that are universal, Happiness and Love. Despite the various languages all people understand what it means to be happy and what it feels like to be loved. How will you live your life, will you allow others to dictate how you live? Aren’t you the one living YOUR life, you also have to live with the consequences right, so why are we so afraid to live? Fear is helpful in getting us out of danger, but it can also limit us from being happy. As I think about how I’m going to live a more authentic life, I’m reminded by this song from For King and Country, there’s a monologue at the end. After reading it, you should as yourself, what kind of love am I living, am I being authentic in my love?

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don’t love, I’m nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.
If I speak God’s Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day,
and if I have faith that says to a mountain, “Jump,” and it jumps, but I don’t love, I’m nothing.
If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere.
So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.