Trust is one of those things that’s quite easy to loose but very hard to build. I’m currently reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown, she’s the same speaker who gave a TED Talk on Vulnerability. I’m finding that her work has been very inspiring especially since I’m embarking on a journey to be more authentic, intentional and vulnerable. It’s been a blessing to learn about the work she’s done and thought I’d share a bit about what I’ve learnt so far. It’s also interesting that when you’re going through certain things, life seems to give you the answers you need; still can’t get over how amazing that is.
I’m currently reading a chapter that talks specifically about trust. It’s something we all battle with, but how do you earn it, how do you know who you can trust, and how do you recover when you’ve been hurt? All great questions, to which I’m trying to figure out myself. What I’ve had to remember though is despite my best efforts, some people will violate my trust. Trust like communication, is a two way activity, if I’m telling you the truth about how I feel, but you’re hiding your true feelings, someone is bound to walk away being hurt. According to Dictionary.com Trust is “Reliance on the integrity , strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.” Also according to Dictionary.com to be Vulnerable means “capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon.” In her book Brene Brown highlights that vulnerability is something we have to be intentional about. To be vulnerable is to open ourselves to being hurt, as opposed to injury just being inflicted on us. Her research found that trust and vulnerability have a co-dependent relationship, as in we need to feel like we can trust people to be vulnerable in front of them, and we also need to be vulnerable (open ourselves up) before we can trust. That sound a bit mind boggling, but the two need each other to exist, you can’t have trust without vulnerability and vice versa.
While trying to explain trust to her young daughter Brene uses a Marble Jar analogy. After searching the internet for a good visual, I realize that many people are probably familiar with this analogy, but I’ll share it anyway. Building trust is adding Marbles to a jar, and when trust is broken you take Marbles out. But how do you know when to add marbles, or even who to trust. Some people will blindly trust others, without knowing if that person can be trusted, we’ve all told a friend a secret, only to have it be told to everyone in the office. For me I tend to give people little pieces of information, and then use that to see if they can be trusted, then each time giving them bigger pieces. The problem with that is I tend to sometimes only trust a few people, and it’s mostly based on when we initially meet. If I don’t feel like we’ve connected, I’ll probably just move on, and not worry about it much. I like having a close group of friends I can trust, and of course even those people don’t know everything about me; no one person has all the pieces of the puzzle. There are some people who blindly trust others, not knowing if that person is capable of being trusted. I found this video that is a bit extreme, but I think it gets the point across that you just can’t go around trusting everyone; (follow this link to find the video: I trust You!!)
What about you, have you found it easy or hard to trust others? When people violate your trust and hurt you, how do you move forward? What strategies do you use to figure out who to trust?